Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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