I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
