Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
