There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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