Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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