I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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