Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
