When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
