She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
