oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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