Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
