I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
