I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
