Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
