can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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