the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
