did you get engaged???
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
