I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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