I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
