I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
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