Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
