Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
