Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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