My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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