hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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