Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
