I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
