I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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