how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
