I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
