I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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