He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
What drink are we having for lunch?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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