three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
