i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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