I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
