upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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