an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
