Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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