Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
