my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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