My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
