Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
