you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
