I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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