I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
