Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
