But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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