Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
