I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
