i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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