Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
