I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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