Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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